Gay Marriage Issue Resolved

I'll miss the pagentry of all those gay weddings, but I'm behind Bush. Although I voted against him, after the election we once again become one nation, and so I'm now a Bush-backer, and I've come to a personal decision. Because there are so many wounds, because we are so split, so divided as a nation, I have come to a firm resolution. In the interests of bi-partisanship, I can offer a concession. I will not marry a gay man in the states of Ohio, Kentucky, Arkansas, Georgia, Mississippi, Montana, North Dakota, Oregon, Oklahoma or Utah. Not even in Michigan. In fact, because the people have spoken, I will not marry a gay man anywhere. I will not even marry a gay man in New Jersey, nor will I appoint a gay man to a position of security in my homeland in exchange for certain unmentionable favors. I will however continue to ignore any issue of real substance, such as the general distress of the economy, a slippery slide away from the civil liberties promised by an extremely liberal and clearly outdated “bill of rights,” a hemorrhaging deficit, and an ever-expanding stack of bodies resulting from a war I can't logically justify. Some things should be kept in the closet. Let the healing begin.

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